Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
