I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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