Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
