there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
