I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
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