Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Randomize
