My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
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