i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
