Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
