All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Randomize
