My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize
