That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
