Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
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