so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Randomize
