I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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