Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
