How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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