Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
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