the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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