Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
