New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Hey
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GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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