We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize
