Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
