My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Is it because I queefed?
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
Randomize
