Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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