I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Randomize
