You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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