My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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