Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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