masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
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