Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
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