As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
