I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
How external is "for external use only"?
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
