OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Randomize
