OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
