I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
