wake up i wanna do it froggy style
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
