Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
