Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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