I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
