i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize
