I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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