they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Randomize
