I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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