How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
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