Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
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