im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
