I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
