dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Randomize
