I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
