My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Who put my cat in the fridge?
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Randomize
